Welcome Back!
My how time does fly by.. it honestly felt like just last week that I wrote my last blog, and I just looked up and saw that it has been almost a month since that blog came out. Since then, there has been a lot of change in my life, and a lot of growth. I have had to come to terms with some of the mistakes that I have made, and I have had to come to terms with some of the situations that I have found myself in. Now, I don’t mean to say that as if my last month has been rough, or that I have had a bad time in any way shape or form; because that would simply not be true. Even with the tough things that I have had to go through over the last few weeks, I have never once felt hopeless or distraught because of the situation I was in, and that really can only be contributed to one thing. And that thing is Jesus. Wow… Haha I smile reading this right now because I just realized how ironic that statement was.. because as you are about to find out, Jesus is also the reason that I have been in this constant state of growing (And for those of you who know me, you know I find that the be a VERY uncomfortable state to be in). And if you are willing to hear, I feel compelled to explain that interesting dynamic to you now. So please, pull up a chair and get comfortable, because this is going to be a long, and uncomfortable ride for everyone involved.. but I promise the destination we will get to at the end will be worth it!
At the start of this blog, I mentioned how I have had to come to terms with some of the mistakes that I have made (and sometimes continue to make). The reason why I brought that up was because the entire idea for this blog came from a song called “Mistakes” by Unspoken. This is a song that I have loved ever since I first heard it, and it is because of how I connect to the message behind the song. So if you have never heard the song before, I am going to have to kindly ask you to stop reading this blog, and go listen to the song.
Ok, are you back? Good! What did you think? Catchy right? Nice beat too? But what about those lyrics? Did they stir you in the same way that they stirred me? To be honest, the lyrics of this song have been calling for me to write this blog since the first time that I heard them, but I only just now getting around to it.. Anyways, I want to briefly talk about the lyrics of the main chorus before I start diving into the meat of this blog, because it is through these lyrics that we are going to analyze everything that comes next. These lyrics will be the lens that we see the entire rest of this blog through. The lyrics for the main chorus go like this: “All of my mistakes, woven through my story, All the mess I make, God use it for your glory, Every wrong turn it’s true, Led me right here to you, I may lose my way, nothing’s greater than your grace, not even my Mistakes.” The reason that these lyrics strike such a solid chord in my heart will be discussed soon, but as a general statement, I absolutely LOVE what they did here. I firmly believe that this is the doctrine that more people need to hear; as opposed to the REPENT REPENT REPENT!! narrative that has ruined Christianity for so many people out there. As a person who makes LOTS of mistakes, it is a special kind of comforting to know that God is USING those mistakes that you thought you were making in order to help bring you closer to him or show you an aspect of his nature that you may have never seen before. And the fact that he weaves these mistakes into our story in order to showcase is glory and majesty, both in our lives and in others, is just absolutely mind-boggling to me. The fact that we can go astray, and even flat out deny who Jesus is, and yet we are still not too far gone to be redeemed by his grace is unfathomable. So as we move forward in this blog, I want you to keep that in mind.
Now, let’s talk about MY mistakes. I mean, that’s why you are hear right? You want to see what kind of mistakes a guy like me could possibly make? I mean, to many of you, I am just that super goofy, yet always kind guy who seems to always be doing the right thing. And I don’t say that to brag or anything, because that is how I have been described directly by many of you who know me! So it would be fair for you to be wondering what kind of mistakes I could have possibly made, because I have fashioned this persona, this façade for you to fall for and believe. Through some deep self reflections, I realized that I act that way because I like the image that it creates for me. I love the idea of me being a super awesome guy, who always does the right thing, and is basically that Christian that everyone wants to be. However, that image that I have created cannot be further from the actual truth of what’s inside of me. I have things that I struggle with, and have struggled with for a long time, that I try to keep locked up and buried away so no one can find them. And I do this because I know that if those secrets were to get out, that façade, that image of who I am might crumble beneath me.. Yet, here I am, about to share on a public space what those secrets are. Now why on Earth would I want to do that? Don’t I know that I could just keep living that lie, and no one would be none the wiser? Well yes, I know I could do that, but I can’t. And the reason I can’t is because of this guy named Jesus Christ.
Here’s the funny thing about Jesus, the thing that I found ironic earlier in this blog. Jesus is both the reason for my comfort and the reason for my anxiety because he has finally been able to get ahold of my heart, and he is showing me that what I have been holding on to, has actually been pulling me away from him. So in order to continue to grow closer in my relationship with him, I am going to have to deal with these giants that are looming over me. I recently finished reading a book called Goliath Must Fall, and the premise of the book was that we all have these giants in our lives that we can’t beat on our own, things such as fear, addiction, and comfort. And these “giants” try to tell us that we are no match for them, that we don’t stand a chance, and that there really isn’t any use in fighting them.. Well here is the plot twist… They’re right! We can’t beat them on our own! And the more we struggle with them, and try to beat them on our own, the deeper and deeper we fall under their control. I have felt this first hand! There is only one person who can defeat these giants, and the “Good News” of the gospel is that he already did! So by me sharing these things I am struggling with, I am really saying “Here Jesus, take this away from me please. I can’t do this on my own, and I need your help in beating this giant.” Because here is the crazy thing about these giants… they really only have power over you in the darkness. When you hide in the shadows, living with the shame that you feel over your actions, you are basically living as a slave to those giants. But when you bring those giants out into the light, then they start to lose their power! So I hope that this blog inspires someone reading that has been struggling with their own giants to bring those giants out of the dark and into the light!
Ok, now that we have explained the song lens that we are looking through when hearing this testimony, and now that we have explained why I am doing this, I think it is time that we get to the point. The reason that I have felt so convicted ever since I first heard that song was because there is a sin/giant that I have been fighting ever since I was in Middle School, and that is the giant of addiction. More specifically, the addiction to lust and pornography. I have lived my life the last 10 years or so in the shadow of this giant because I have always felt so ashamed of the fact that I even started it, and the fact that I could not beat it myself. I have spent countless nights literally crying out to God to take this addiction away from me through some snap of the fingers miracle, yet each morning I wake up the same person. I have tried to have accountability partners who were supposed to keep me from watching porn, but they never really worked. I even knew about the kind of neurological effect that it could have on me, and how it would end up affecting my future relationships, yet I still couldn’t stop. The giant had me locked up. But it wasn’t until recently that I received the wake up call that I needed. I may have “known” that this addiction was going to mess with my natural thought processes in terms of how I view women, but it wasn’t until my last relationship ended that I actually realized the effect that this has had on me. Upon retrospection, I realized that I could not develop any feelings of intimacy with my girlfriend, and that was entirely because I had trained my mind over years of learned habits that the level of intimacy that was designed to be between a man and a woman could be found on a screen. So subconsciously, I never really grew as close to her as we both wanted, which still kills me. And that is a HARD thing to realize. It was never a conscious choice that I made though, it was just something that my brain has trained itself to believe. I know that doesn’t make it any better or easier, but it is just the way it was.
Regardless, it was this realization that scared me into a more drastic kind of action. I immediately decided that what I was doing was not enough, and that I needed to do more, so I contacted one of the pastors at my church, and talked to him about my problem. I also decided that in order for me to make some actual progress with this problem, I was going have to start being a LOT more intentional about my faith walk (which was right about why I started this blog back up) and I was also going to have to seek professional help. This is a major problem for me, and I do not want to let this problem linger on in my life. I do want to get married some day, and I can’t wait for the day when I will get to be a dad myself, but I will not enter into any covenantal relationship with another person when I am a slave to a giant that will not allow me to love my wife the way that I am supposed to. So this July, I will be going to Minnesota to partake in a 3 day workshop that will hopefully help me figure out how to beat this thing. Which brings me back to the point of this blog.. Although I did write this blog to get a HUGE weight off of my chest, I also wrote it for another reason.
I know for a fact that I am not the only person out there who is struggling with something like this. And I also know that I am not the only person who has felt to ashamed to even entertain the idea of stepping into the light. Maybe the person reading this right now is fighting with their own giant. It may not be the giant of addiction, but maybe it is the giant of fear. Or maybe it is the giant of rejection. Whatever the giant is that you are facing, I want you to know that your giant only has control over you in the dark. The minute you step out into the light, and let others know what you are going through is the minute that you start to regain some of your control. But listen, I get it, stepping out into the light is not easy. Believe me, I have told myself that I was going to write this blog for just about every day over the last 3 weeks.. So I understand how hard it is to step into the light! But if you think about it, the reason that it is hard to step into the light is because you are concerned with what other people are going to think of you if they find out what you are really struggling with. So that is where we need everyone who does read this to step up and make those people who are brave enough to admit that they don’t have it all together like they are heard and understand. You cannot make them feel judged or looked down on, because truthfully, they probably already feel that way about themselves. So the ball is in your court now, people who feel like they are already living in the light. We should all try to be a beacon of light for others to gravitate towards, because we know that the more we let others into our issues, the most power we have over those issues. Which leads me to my last point.. I desperately need each and every person who reads this blog to reach out and let me know that they read it and are here for me. I need all the support I can get in this fight because I know that I am not going to be able to do this on my own. I also need as much support as you will give me because I think that I am going to throw up from writing this blog. I honestly feel sick to my stomach writing this, because I am being overcome with the giants’ talk of “What are you doing!? Now everyone is going to know your dirty little secret and they are going to think differently of you!” So please, please, please, reach out to me and offer some support in this. I am hesitant to do this, but it worked out alright for Bob Goff, so I am going to hope that it works out alright for me too.. but for those of you who don’t have any way of contacting me, here is my number: 515-979-7633.
I honestly pray that this blog spoke to someone in some way, and they feel inspired to step into the light with their own struggles. But more than anything, I am ready to actually feel the weight of those words that Unspoken sang. I understand that I am going to make mistakes, and I understand that we are all going to make mistakes, but I pray that we all remember that “nothing’s greater than your grace, not even my mistakes.”
Thank you for reading, and God bless you.
Kenny Floyd
Listening to only Christian Music For 30 Days 